do people know the term theoretical anymore?

so I have been slightly curious as to just what all it means to try and conceive a child, for research reasons only. Because at some point in my life possibly even with your someone I feel would want to have children with me. So I have been asking random small sized questions on a group that for people that have the interest in convincing children I have now had to make very clear to the people in that group this only research that I am not planning on going and fucking random people to get pregnant i just wish to know all the options I might have for if I want to indeed have a child sometime in the near or present future.

the reason I have had to explain myself is I guess these women have been parents for a lil too long cause they keep taking the parental view of we should make sure this girl really knows what she is getting into before she decides she wants to have a kid. And yes I know this people mean good and well but for christ sake I am not a teenager I am nearly 30 damned years old! I think the idea of someone my age thinking about possibly having children is a reasonable one if I was to ever actually want them. And all I have said is that i want to read a few books about the subject and possibly discuss the idea with a doctor. I know I sound more upset then anything, but I am not its just a mild irritation at best.

and its kind of just retarded that people think people my age must not have any common sense at all, and actually to be honest amusing. Its the same concept as teen going into a doctor and talking about using condoms, or finding out info stds she is not saying she wants them, or that she necessarily is screwing someone that very moment all its is a want of information and this one of the primary reasons people get into things way over their heads in the this country cause they don't encourage thinking ahead their main thought process is think of it when it happens, why would you need to be prepared.

so there is my little rant for the day sorry dear, I know I sound mad, I really am not just blown away with how silly and stupid people are even you tell them falt out what your intent really is. But then again thats why I watch things like Jerry Springer cause dumb people can be interestingly funny at times.

the pros and cons of new hobbies.

So I have found some enjoyment in a several new hobbies for mine most of which deal with fiber art realated materials. I found a lovely place online called Ravelry.com to go and find out more about such things and I got into doing swaps.

this proved to be fairly fun but only after a little while for the my main downfall in most of these groups is that I lead a fairly busy life and I would have a lot of troulbe meeting the deadlines for them.

I do realize that no is truly at fault for any of this other then myself alone but I do think I have come to a conclusion about something. a lot of these swap groups try to make the impression that they wish for you to meet other people, and make friendships out of this activity, but how valid a way nessicarily is this to make friends? its based purely upon if you do send out your package on time and if this person gets the item you send out to them at all.

Which yes is nice you are showing you have generosity you are showing that you can be kind even to some who truly is nothing more then a stranger to you.

However one should bare in mind that what if something goes wrong, what if you do everything you are supposed to and the package does not arrive to the person on the other end. I know I myself when just purchasing small items off a web store have had this issue come into play. Or the fact we have several street addresses that have the term Saint (shortened to St.) in their titles.

Then the tables become turned and the postal offices mistake now becomes your own and you are left with two options:

A.Do your damn dist to find out what went wrong and fix the issue and find the package with the postal office.

B. Start from scratch and do the whole thing over again

in conclusion I think the main issue of all of this is it is basing a binging of friendship, based purely upon Materialism. This is not to say we don't give friends or new friends gifts, but wouldn't be nice if we knew that person first. I think this basic reason alone is why I have found swaps to be un happy hobbies of choice most of the time for me. Because it is based around we like you only i you give us stuff. And the world seems to have quite enough "STUFF" as it is.

does this mean I shall forever withhold from doing swaps again....probably not but it will probably make be a lot more picky about ones I decide to partake in the near future.

new life challenges

so I have come to the conclusion that my life is emtional train wreck as of lately, and quit frankly its fairly annoying I mean I have meet a new guy in my life that I actually really like and we are both in agreeance that going into things to much too quickly is a bad idea, and he soo open minded which for some like me I really need in my life,

But the fact of the matter is I go through days that I am extremely happy and then I will just be incredibly depressed another. So I am deciding to suck up my pride and go and talk to a therapist, I feel like this is the wisest move to do, since I feel stuck and lost. I know that most of my stress is coming from my current poor job luck. Only being able to find work in Temp seaonal types of jobs and not really getting anything as far as a full time job. Which would certainly be helpful if I really want to go to school to study to be a vet tech anyway.

My relational status probably could do with some revamping as well but that aspect of my life has never been to nice, maybe its because I am trying to revamp my life as a single gal that its difficult for me its not really like I am used to such things. But hopefully this can be a goo start to something better in my life now.

new life challenges

so I have come to the conclusion that my life is emtional train wreck as of lately, and quit frankly its fairly annoying I mean I have meet a new guy in my life that I actually really like and we are both in agreeance that going into things to much too quickly is a bad idea, and he soo open minded which for some like me I really need in my life,

But the fact of the matter is I go through days that I am extremely happy and then I will just be incredibly depressed another. So I am deciding to suck up my pride and go and talk to a therapist, I feel like this is the wisest move to do, since I feel stuck and lost. I know that most of my stress is coming from my current poor job luck. Only being able to find work in Temp seaonal types of jobs and not really getting anything as far as a full time job. Which would certainly be helpful if I really want to go to school to study to be a vet tech anyway.

My relational status probably could do with some revamping as well but that aspect of my life has never been to nice, maybe its because I am trying to revamp my life as a single gal that its difficult for me its not really like I am used to such things. But hopefully this can be a goo start to something better in my life now.

changes minor but good

so lately I have been doing some very different thing in my life mostly to help me get my self out of a terrible depression I was in for a few weeks that just kept lingering on. Basically without getting into too much detail I was depressed cause I had found myself in the middle of a love tri-angle and I just literally had no idea how to handle the siutation and it was exredibly frustrating for me.

i think its just a comulious of that I am getting tired of meeting people and investing myself emtionally into that person being a potenial "something"for me that just ends up blowing up in my face in the end.

As much as I want to try dating again and having a sigficant other in my life again sometime I wonder if it really is worth the cost of dating and all the drama that comes with doing things like that. I know I will keep getting hurt until the day I did cause thats just the way life works out with things like that. But no where does it say that i have to enjoy that asspect of my life does it?

What I mean by minor changes in my life is that I have been going out and doing new hobbies, I have started to learn how to Crochet, and Knitting...i am also eventually going to get into weaving and spinning as well (spinning reffering to making your own yarn) I also want to learn how to do wood working, leather working, making candles, perfumes, and hand made soaps on my own. If anything these will prove to be really good hobbies for me as well as I guess if I wanted to I could try selling these items at smaller scale ren fests but that is something entirely new to me so it may or may not happen.

My focus on where I want to be career wise has kind of changed a little lately, I still want to look at doing English Teaching in Asia but i am un sure if I really want to invest in it for the rest of m life nessicarly, I am thinking of studying to become a vet tech which will involve me moving to KC to study to get certified in it. This really seems more postive then anything since i think getting out of this town would be a helpful thing for me. My mother and I area always at each other's throats arguing all the time and I think moving out of the house would help a bit, even though she claims she does not mind me staying in the house to assist me with things until I can do better. But personally I do have an issue with staying in her house for forever its not really a great goal for someone that want to be an indepdent adult. So as much as she might not like it I think moving out on my own to KC would be a postive thing for me.

My main focus is trying to prepare for that as well as just get money saved up for the rent I will have to pay for the apartment since getting finical aid should not be an issue at all but the school I am looking at does have on campus living so my main worry when I get there is that. i am thinking if I put back 8k in money that should be plenty for a back-up plan.

Actually my luck with the job market has been looking up, I had a seasonal job working for a small staffing company out of St.Louis working as an usher at the MU Home Football games, my last day working that job was this Saturday....but it looks like i am getting another job through the university doing Stage Crew (basically helping set up for atheletic events, and other things that go on around the university) it pays 7.50 an hour and it increases by 2 dollars when bigger events come through town. So at least I am helping myself out in putting back money, also my mom pointed that a local vet's office in town is looking for someone to help at their office to so manybe that might pan out for me.

I kind of already have some experience in that because I am volunteering at a local vet's office in town just trying to get experience as to how vet techs work.

life and its up and downs

well what can I say about myself, I am a fairly average girl of about 25 years of age, I had been going to school up until recently, but stupid college algebra and not having the math know how to get all the way up to that class held me back from getting my Accoiate of Arts degree.

So as of lately I have put school on hold, and am trying to get a job since I have not had one since 2003 and figure a degree is great but also having work experince on one's resume looks pretty damned good too. As I am sure you are all very aware the economy sucks rocks right now, so need less to say its been a few months of me filling out applications and never hearing anything back from anyone. Luckily this week has seemed turn around for me, I had an interview at a breaktime gas station right down the street from me and I still might have a chance of hearing back from them, at some point. about if I will or will not be getting a job there. I went around to several medical offices that were looking for recptionists and maybe I will hear something back from them. In the next week or two weeks from now. I also have a job interview tomorrow for a job working at the MU Football games doing ushering.

so not really found anything as to a job yet but trying my damdest to actually find something. So many of my friends are unemployed right now, or facing the on coming fear of losing their jobs. I feel so bad for my friends that have this situation going on. I want to be there for them, but how much can one truly be there for someone that is in this type of situation. You can be an emtional support system for them yes. But the problem will not really ever go away until, it gets resolved. And finding an answer to something like that is easier said then done, sadly.

Well this week was certainly a good one but the week before that was not so great, I kind of accidently figured out that an old friend of mine that techically was my last boyfriend, does not wish to maintain a friendship any more, yes I know this seems very Neaive and childish for me to worry about I can't help it. The way he broke off with me was very odd, he basically thought we need more time to ourselves time to find out us indivdually, but he kept saying that he felt like he was still in love with me, but then that turned into that he was not sure. Sadly it just seems we drifted apart, it hit me hard cuz we both agreed we wanted to stay friends, and for the most part I do think thats still true. I think we just come off to each other as very different people then what we remember, I used to have long heart to heart conversations with him every night and we havn't truly sat down and talked in almost, two years now.

Its disapointing to myself cuz it seems very similar to how my first relationship ended I have only really had two real relationships to this point. But this guy i really felt like with all my heart that he really was the one. So naturally it took me a long time to be okay with just the idea we would not get back together and he probably did not love me anymore, even though I am sure he did at one point in time. But what really helped me get through that more then anything was the idea we both wanted to be friends. And now I find out thats not true either.

Who knows maybe things will turn around maybe we can be friends again, maybe we can gain back the closness we once shared. My main thought through all of this is when we were together as friends or as anything else. We made each other happy and I have good memories from that point in time.

If he dosn't want to have a friendship with me now, that is his problem, but I don't hate him for it. I might dis like he is being dumb and pity about things but I don't believ in hanging onto feelings like hate. Its unhealthy and bad for you. I have a lot of people in my life I assocate as friends, and they have been there for me through a lot of really rough seas. And they will try to be there for me as much as they can I am sure.

I am reminded as I end this my first entry of a qoute from a recent movie " Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift....that's why its called the present"