changes minor but good

so lately I have been doing some very different thing in my life mostly to help me get my self out of a terrible depression I was in for a few weeks that just kept lingering on. Basically without getting into too much detail I was depressed cause I had found myself in the middle of a love tri-angle and I just literally had no idea how to handle the siutation and it was exredibly frustrating for me.

i think its just a comulious of that I am getting tired of meeting people and investing myself emtionally into that person being a potenial "something"for me that just ends up blowing up in my face in the end.

As much as I want to try dating again and having a sigficant other in my life again sometime I wonder if it really is worth the cost of dating and all the drama that comes with doing things like that. I know I will keep getting hurt until the day I did cause thats just the way life works out with things like that. But no where does it say that i have to enjoy that asspect of my life does it?

What I mean by minor changes in my life is that I have been going out and doing new hobbies, I have started to learn how to Crochet, and Knitting...i am also eventually going to get into weaving and spinning as well (spinning reffering to making your own yarn) I also want to learn how to do wood working, leather working, making candles, perfumes, and hand made soaps on my own. If anything these will prove to be really good hobbies for me as well as I guess if I wanted to I could try selling these items at smaller scale ren fests but that is something entirely new to me so it may or may not happen.

My focus on where I want to be career wise has kind of changed a little lately, I still want to look at doing English Teaching in Asia but i am un sure if I really want to invest in it for the rest of m life nessicarly, I am thinking of studying to become a vet tech which will involve me moving to KC to study to get certified in it. This really seems more postive then anything since i think getting out of this town would be a helpful thing for me. My mother and I area always at each other's throats arguing all the time and I think moving out of the house would help a bit, even though she claims she does not mind me staying in the house to assist me with things until I can do better. But personally I do have an issue with staying in her house for forever its not really a great goal for someone that want to be an indepdent adult. So as much as she might not like it I think moving out on my own to KC would be a postive thing for me.

My main focus is trying to prepare for that as well as just get money saved up for the rent I will have to pay for the apartment since getting finical aid should not be an issue at all but the school I am looking at does have on campus living so my main worry when I get there is that. i am thinking if I put back 8k in money that should be plenty for a back-up plan.

Actually my luck with the job market has been looking up, I had a seasonal job working for a small staffing company out of St.Louis working as an usher at the MU Home Football games, my last day working that job was this Saturday....but it looks like i am getting another job through the university doing Stage Crew (basically helping set up for atheletic events, and other things that go on around the university) it pays 7.50 an hour and it increases by 2 dollars when bigger events come through town. So at least I am helping myself out in putting back money, also my mom pointed that a local vet's office in town is looking for someone to help at their office to so manybe that might pan out for me.

I kind of already have some experience in that because I am volunteering at a local vet's office in town just trying to get experience as to how vet techs work.

life and its up and downs

well what can I say about myself, I am a fairly average girl of about 25 years of age, I had been going to school up until recently, but stupid college algebra and not having the math know how to get all the way up to that class held me back from getting my Accoiate of Arts degree.

So as of lately I have put school on hold, and am trying to get a job since I have not had one since 2003 and figure a degree is great but also having work experince on one's resume looks pretty damned good too. As I am sure you are all very aware the economy sucks rocks right now, so need less to say its been a few months of me filling out applications and never hearing anything back from anyone. Luckily this week has seemed turn around for me, I had an interview at a breaktime gas station right down the street from me and I still might have a chance of hearing back from them, at some point. about if I will or will not be getting a job there. I went around to several medical offices that were looking for recptionists and maybe I will hear something back from them. In the next week or two weeks from now. I also have a job interview tomorrow for a job working at the MU Football games doing ushering.

so not really found anything as to a job yet but trying my damdest to actually find something. So many of my friends are unemployed right now, or facing the on coming fear of losing their jobs. I feel so bad for my friends that have this situation going on. I want to be there for them, but how much can one truly be there for someone that is in this type of situation. You can be an emtional support system for them yes. But the problem will not really ever go away until, it gets resolved. And finding an answer to something like that is easier said then done, sadly.

Well this week was certainly a good one but the week before that was not so great, I kind of accidently figured out that an old friend of mine that techically was my last boyfriend, does not wish to maintain a friendship any more, yes I know this seems very Neaive and childish for me to worry about I can't help it. The way he broke off with me was very odd, he basically thought we need more time to ourselves time to find out us indivdually, but he kept saying that he felt like he was still in love with me, but then that turned into that he was not sure. Sadly it just seems we drifted apart, it hit me hard cuz we both agreed we wanted to stay friends, and for the most part I do think thats still true. I think we just come off to each other as very different people then what we remember, I used to have long heart to heart conversations with him every night and we havn't truly sat down and talked in almost, two years now.

Its disapointing to myself cuz it seems very similar to how my first relationship ended I have only really had two real relationships to this point. But this guy i really felt like with all my heart that he really was the one. So naturally it took me a long time to be okay with just the idea we would not get back together and he probably did not love me anymore, even though I am sure he did at one point in time. But what really helped me get through that more then anything was the idea we both wanted to be friends. And now I find out thats not true either.

Who knows maybe things will turn around maybe we can be friends again, maybe we can gain back the closness we once shared. My main thought through all of this is when we were together as friends or as anything else. We made each other happy and I have good memories from that point in time.

If he dosn't want to have a friendship with me now, that is his problem, but I don't hate him for it. I might dis like he is being dumb and pity about things but I don't believ in hanging onto feelings like hate. Its unhealthy and bad for you. I have a lot of people in my life I assocate as friends, and they have been there for me through a lot of really rough seas. And they will try to be there for me as much as they can I am sure.

I am reminded as I end this my first entry of a qoute from a recent movie " Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift....that's why its called the present"